Should older children care for their elderly parents, or use a retirement community or nursing home?
Sunday, January 31st, 2010 at
6:00 am
To be specific, the parents do not want to enter a nursing home or retirement home. Should they be rewarded with the same care they provided for you when you were a child?
Filed under: Retirement Communities
Like this post? Subscribe to my RSS feed and get loads more!
Yes.
I just finished doing just that. My mom had a stroke 10 years ago and I spent 9 years going over to her house taking care of her. She could get up and move around with a walker but could not cook or dress very well, though she did on occasion. She did not want to go to a nursing home. When I needed help I called a home health care agency to help me. Then as my daughters grew up they helped. My husband was wonderful helping me too. She did have to go to a nursing home twice for physical therapy after hospital stays but it was for only a couple months at a time. She died in 2006 and I’m glad I did for her what I could.
Depends on what the care they gave was like.
I believe so. Im the type of person who jokes around alot and says all kinds of crap, and for the last 3 years I’ve been telling my mom that I was planning on sending her to a nursing home (when she was being a stern mom). I had the pleasure of volunteering at a nursing home two weeks ago. I’ve since apologized to my mother and have not made the joke since. I would never put anyone I love in a nursing home. For the most part,all the residents could be classified into 3 groups: Either they were seen as sane (meaning they had given up hope of ever leaving and were resigned to the fact that they would remain in the home, until their days were spent), they were labeled as addled (mostly people who were indeed sane, but did not want to stay in the home; these people were given medication and labeled as crazy), or they were out of their wits from old age or health problems. If you care for them, then never do something like that. You may think something like that would differ from nursing hom to nursing home, but you can never change that they aren’t loved by the people taking care of them. A stranger may care about them, but they can’t love someone who’s thrust to them. Unless they had a stroke, and you had absolutely no choice, then I would indefinately say no to nursing homes.
yes if possible in any way they should just do bite the bullet and do it!!!!
The children should take care of their parents themselves if it’s possible. Many circumstances may dictate otherwise but if the children can do it themselves, that’s great. If the parent(s) gets to a point where they can’t stay with their children or be cared for by their children, then putting them into a nursing home or assisted living home may be necessary.
It depends on the relationship between them. Her spouse and family, etc.
elders should be cared for in your home with family members not at a day care for the dying run by strangers
my Mom was very sick she said to me My wishes are Not to go to a nursing home and I kept her wishes even though it was tough on me, it caused me my friends, problems on my job- but it was my Mom’s wish and I was going to keep it
It depends on the amount of care they require & your financial circumstances.
the old saying "what goes around comes around
Unless your folks are really in money…..and can afford the type of retirement community that actually takes GOOD care of folks…with all the steps of care giving with no problem……Then you really need to think about caring for them if at all possible..if they cared and loved you during growing up, They have earned it dont you think….its pretty scary…..but in the end…you will be happier with yourself,,,,AND the reward will be worth waiting for……Dont forget, they have support groups to help you along the way….your not alone in this by ANY means……good luck…
I think that depends on each individual case. Many times it may be best for the parents to enter a retirement or assisted living center. If the older children are in a position to care for their parents, and if the parents agree with that decision, then go for it. I do not feel that it is an obligation that the children must provide for the parents.
Not if I can help it. I don’t want them to care for me. I rather be in a home and left alone than to let any of them take care of me. Have a grand daughter that saw my mother (she was 102) in a home and she said that she wouldn’t let that happen to her Granny and Papa. She is only 13, so I’m sure that will change. But it was awful sweet of her to say that.
Speaking as a carer – no, it is not a good idea. I struggle with caring as I do not have nursing training – I am often at a loss as to how to treat some little ailment(thank goodness for Google). Your parent will not treat you with the respect they would give to a professional carer, and because you are still "their child" it is hard to assume authority.
You need to be prepared at some stage to do heavy lifting and really dirty work, cleaning up wee and crap. It may be beyond you physically, whereas in a nursing home they may have lifting aids. You will also become very isolated socially and if you have to go on a carers benefit, you are on a very basic income.
As far as receiving the "same care" as I was given as a child – you assume that the carer was well treated. Some of us were not. Therefore we are forced into the role of caring for someone who may have been neglectful or cruel.It is a very difficult issue but when I am old and frail, no way would I want a relative looking after me, I would prefer a professional.
I’m doing just that with my mom. She has lived with us for 3 years. She will stay with me and if it gets too much, I’ll hire help to come here.
My husband’s brother and his wife are living with his mom in another state. They will also keep her at home as long as they can provide the care she needs.
WELL IT DEPEND OF WHAT KIND OF PARENTS YOU HAD GROWING UP YOU NO.BUT THE WAY I WAS BROTH UP WAS RELAY COOL WITH MY MOM.SO YES I WOULD TAKE A HER TO LIVE AT MY PLACE.WELL MY FATHER HAS PAST AWAY FOR HIM NO I WOULD NOT TAKE HIM CAUSE HE WAS NOT A FATHER THAT I LIKE HE WAS RUDE TO ME AND NEVER HARDLY TALK TO ME.
well if that is the only reason they had kids, that is a cruddy thing, having kids to take care of you when you get older, they should be ashamed of there selves
In our family that is not a question family takes care of family…
Whenever I get bossy with my daughter she
always says (jokingly) that I had better be nice
to her as she is the one who will be choosing my nursing
home.
I just hope I die before I get old.
I don’t expect her to look after me out of duty or anything
else. The care I provided when she was a child was
a joy to me I don’t expect repayment.
So what I am saying is if they help out of love OK but
no one should expect their children to look after them out
of duty.
Depends entirely on the physical/mental conditions of the parents and the attitudes/living conditions of the children. I think children DO have a certain amount of responsibility for the assistance of their parents ——- but if it isn’t out of love (as a gift) — if you’re my children, don’t let the door hit you on the butt.–
That depends on the physical condition, the money to be spent and the attitude of the grown children.
Bravo to all the previous posts who would gladly take the parent in rather than send them to a home! I’m taking it for granted that none of you have careers and most had an excellent relationship before mom or pop were unable to live alone?
Only my opinion, the odds tell me if there was any annoyance or infrequency of visits when we were healthy, the stay at our kids house won’t be a bed of roses.
Too many variable factors here to make a blanket statement. For instance:
1. Would the children rather have a large inheritance than see the amount of the estate dwindle, after insurance runs out, to keep them in a home or assistance facility?
2. Is the parent able to add anything positive to the family in any way (physically or emotionally)?
3. At exactly what point, regarding the paren’ts health, would the they be welcomed into your home – at what point would it be too much?
After a recent hospital stay, I can honestly say I’d go with the good nursing home than to live with my daughter.
I can’t imagine her doing what they did for me in the hospital for 2 weeks — so I wouldn’t be able to picture anything similar in her home on a prolonged basis.
(I decided not to post a list of over 12 reasons why moving in with her in my declining years wouldn’t sit well with her and her family.) This may be very sad — let me think about that!
why is this even being contemplated ?? Are they no longer able to care for themselves ? What are the exact issues here ?? I worked in a nrsg home for years & yes for the most part they do get good care but Y would U want to place UR folks there when they can still be cared for @ home & be around famliar faces all the time ?? this is not necessarily just the eldest childrens position to handle!! after all U all came from the same womb !! A friend of mines parents became in need of folks being around them constantly so her group got together & had there folks stay 2-3 with each child she said it worked well for them & her folks loved being fussed over by everyone !! So my answer is no to nursing homes !!